Have you ever sat down to book something, to buy something or been just about ready to do something new and then hesitated?

Hesitation can strike when you are about to do something as day-to-day as getting out of bed or starting your workout. It could happen when you are making a small decision, about which film to watch or much bigger decisions about whether to change your job, sign up for a course or start a family.


So why do we hesitate?

I think there are a few main reasons why we hesitate:

1. To feel more certain

For example, when we ask ourselves: “Am I sure about this?”

2. To feel safe

When we hesitate we are avoiding taking an action that is outside our comfort zone.

3. To keep our options open

We are avoiding making a commitment because it feels overwhelming, frightening or too ‘final’.


What are the consequences of hesitation?


1. Increased doubt

Rather than feeling more certain, taking time to think and second guess yourself may actually leave you feeling more doubtful.  Once you have allowed more thinking time and increased your feeling of doubt, it is easy to come up with a whole bunch of reasons or excuses not to act or to procrastinate.


2. The fight or flight response kicks in

When we take that pause before we step outside our comfort zone, the body’s fight and flight system kicks in because we have perceived a threat. This is going to cause anxiety, rather than a feeling of safety. Even though you are not yet out of your comfort zone, you feel just as scared anyway! When we feel scared, our natural behaviour is to avoid the scary thing, so this is also going to feed further avoidance or procrastination.


3. Our options do stay open: too open.

There is something nice about feeling like you have more than one option but without a commitment to one, it is difficult to make changes or move forward. In addition, with many potential options on the table, it is easy for a perfectionist voice to creep in and say ‘but which option is the right one?’


The truth is that there is more than one ‘right’ option in most situations.
There is more than one film you would enjoy watching.

There is more than one job you would be good at.

There is more than one interesting course.

There is more than one good time to start a family.


What is the Alternative?

Well, the opposite of hesitation would be action:

Just doing it! Go for it! Just pick one! Don’t stop to think!


That may work fine if you are hesitating about something like getting out of bed, starting your workout, or choosing which film to watch. But when it comes to making important decisions that all sounds a little impulsive.

If we applied that ethos to everything it has the scope for some negative long term consequences of its own.

Realistically, it can serve us to stop and think before we take an action but how we stop and how we think may be what is important.


Hesitation vs. consideration

When we hesitate through fear of leaving our comfort zone, our thinking will become biased and our actions are going to be less helpful.

If we pause to consider from a calmer starting point, it will be easier to come to a helpful conclusion and more helpful actions.


How to consider rather than hesitate

If you have hesitated and can feel the fear rising in your stomach and chest and you think you are on the path to avoidance:

  1. Acknowledge the feeling: notice it, notice where you feel it and label it. Is it dread? Is it apprehension? Is it doubt?
  2. Ground yourself: what can you see, hear, feel, smell or taste right now?
  3. Breathe: breathing from the diaphragm calms the fight and flight response and makes it easier to think in a more helpful way
  4. Weigh it up: what are the pros and cons of taking action? What are the pros and cons of taking no action?

weighing scales

The consequences of consideration

1. More certainty

Actually weighing up the pros and cons in this way may help you to gain clarity and although we can never be 100% certain, it may help you to feel more confident in your decision.


2. Feeling more secure

Don’t get me wrong, committing to action is still going to be scary! It may not feel safe, but hopefully you will feel more secure in your decision.


3. You still have options

When you acknowledge the option to take no action, it becomes a choice rather than a default reaction to fear. Your options are still open but it may feel easier to commit to action (or to a strategic lack of action) having weighed it up in this way.


Wellbeing workshops and guided relaxation sessions are now available to book for your workplace in Bradford, Calderdale and Kirklees.

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Grounding: Emotional First Aid

Grounding is a tool I often use with patients. In CBT it is usually used to help people who have been through a traumatic experience, for example to ground someone back in the present moment if they are experiencing a flashback.

However, in my opinion, you don’t have to have been through a trauma to benefit from this simple yet powerful technique.


What is grounding?

Grounding is a technique that can be used immediately in the moment when you feel your emotions are at a high level to help to bring them down to a more manageable level.

The aim of grounding is to re-connect with the present moment by using your senses.

In this way, it is similar to mindfulness.

An example might be to literally stamp your feet and feel the contact of your feet on the ground.

Other examples might be:

  • Rubbing your hands quickly together and feeling the heat you can generate.
  • Deliberately spotting all the green objects you can see around you.
  • Listening for the next 5 sounds you can hear around you.
  • Smelling essential oils/your perfume/your coffee.


When to use it

Crucially, the aim of grounding is not to get rid of emotions.

Emotions are there to help you to make sense of your situation.

However, if the emotion is very distressing, unmanageable or overwhelming, then grounding can help to bring the emotion down to a point that you can cope with it and allow it to pass.


Emotional first aid

I like to think of grounding as emotional first aid.

We all know that from time to time, we might cut ourselves and bleed.

If the cut is small, we don’t need to do anything. We can leave it alone and it will heal itself.

This is the same with most of our emotions.

We will all feel difficult emotions from time to time but if they are at a manageable level, they will pass by without any need for us to intervene.

At this level, we don’t need to use a grounding technique to manage our emotions but we could choose to use relaxation techniques, meditation or mindfulness practices to boost our overall wellbeing.


If we cut ourselves a little deeper, we may need to cover it with a plaster so that we can get on with our day.

The cut is still healing itself underneath the plaster and it wouldn’t necessarily harm us if the plaster wasn’t there.

The plaster is helpful in that it is stopping the cut from bleeding all over the place and preventing it from getting caught on things that could hurt it or slow down the healing process.


At this point, we might think of the emotional level as being difficult or distressing but not completely unmanageable.

Grounding could be helpful at this point to help to re-group (i.e. not spill all over the place).

Just as the plaster helps to prevent a cut from getting caught on things that could hurt and slow down the healing process – grounding yourself in the present can help to reduce dwelling, worrying, and over-thinking that could exacerbate the difficult emotion.

This is where I believe many of us could benefit from grounding.


However, from time to time we might be unlucky enough to sustain a serious wound that needs pressure applying to it until medical attention can be sought.


This could be the emotional equivalent of flashbacks, nightmares or ‘zoning out’  following a traumatic event.

Here, grounding can be used to manage severe distress until you can receive help from a therapist or mental health professional.

Just as you would go to A&E with a serious wound, if you are experiencing these kinds of symptoms, it is important to seek appropriate support.

Your GP or your local Improving Access to Psychological Therapies service may be a good place to start.


Want to know more about grounding or building your emotional resources?

You can learn more about grounding at my upcoming Emotional Resource Building Workshop. Details of workshops and events can be found on my Facebook page here: Lemon Squeezy Wellbeing Facebook Page

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It Isn’t All Bad

Blue Monday is just around the corner and is said to be the most depressing day of the year. But maybe it isn’t all bad?

I’m guessing the immediate reaction for some of you will be along the lines of ‘it bloody well is’!

Certainly, if you happen to be going through a difficult time in your life then it is likely to feel that way. Even if you are not going through a major life event you may still feel like this from time to time.

It is very easy to get bogged down in the day to day hassles that life presents us with.

When someone simply tells you to look on the bright side or some similar well-meant but largely unhelpful platitude, my guess is that you internally tell them where to stick their bright side.

That said, there is something about the way our attention works that could prevent us from seeing a bright side if we think that everything is going wrong or if we are feeling bogged down.


Focus of attention

Our focus of attention is not an objective thing; it is subject to numerous biases and we tend to filter out some information while paying particular attention to other information.

This is a very necessary way for us to operate because if we took in all of the available information to the same level, we would struggle to process it all or to get anything done!

Our brains, sometimes helpfully but at other times less helpfully, tend to take short-cuts.

I will talk about 3 short-cuts in particular that work together to maintain the belief that everything is awful.

  1. We pay particular attention to the things that support what we already believe and these things are generalised and magnified.
  2. We largely ignore information that contradicts what we already believe.
  3. We distort neutral information to fit in with what we already believe.


To flesh this out a bit, let’s imagine person A has the belief that everything is going wrong and person B has a belief that things are going pretty well.

Now let’s say that the same 3 events happen to person A and to person B.

  1. They each go for a job interview and don’t get the job.
  2. They each get positive feedback from the interview despite not getting it.
  3. They each get stuck in traffic on their way home that night.

Person A will definitely turn their full attention to the fact that they didn’t get the job but it is unlikely to stop there.

If they have a belief that everything is going wrong they are likely to be thinking:

‘I knew it’, ‘I never get the jobs I really want’, ‘I’m always really bad at interviews’, ‘I’ll never be able to get a promotion’, ‘nothing ever works out in my favour’, ‘what’s the point in even trying’.

It becomes about more than just this one job interview. It becomes about every job interview they have been unsuccessful in and it about every job interview they will go to in the future.

It may also be generalised to other unrelated events that are not going well – maybe the boiler broke last week or their car needs to go into the garage – it all becomes lumped together and gives more weight to the belief that everything is going wrong.

So later, when they receive feedback that they did very well in the interview and that it was just down to the other candidate having a little more experience, person A doesn’t really acknowledge the positive feedback. It is simply discounted.
Later still when person A gets stuck in traffic (which I am classing here as something fairly neutral) they are likely to give that their full attention and interpret it as being terrible because it fits with the way they already think and feel.

Maybe it goes something like:

‘Oh, this is all I need after such a bad day’, ‘what else can possibly go wrong’, ‘I hate being stuck in traffic’, ‘now I’ll miss out on time this evening’.


Person A still holds the belief that everything is going wrong and probably feels pretty de-moralised.


A different focus

On the other hand, person B is less likely to focus as much attention on the fact that they didn’t get the job. They may feel disappointed but if they already believe that things are going well they are more likely to dismiss it:

‘It is disappointing but there will be plenty more opportunities out there’, ‘It wasn’t the right kind of job for me anyway’, ‘it was good experience to go to the interview’, ‘I’ll do better next time’.
Later, when they receive positive feedback and are told it was just down to the other candidate having a little more experience, they will give that positive feedback their full attention and they are likely to generalise and magnify it.

‘That was nice feedback’, ‘I am pretty good at interviews’, ‘They seemed impressed with me, I’m sure I’ll get the next one’.

Then, when person B gets stuck in traffic they may think:

‘I don’t mind having a bit of time for my brain to unwind before I get home’, ‘I can listen to that podcast I have been wanting to listen to’, ‘I’m not in any rush anyway’.

Person B still holds the belief that things are going pretty well.

Neither way of looking at these events is right or wrong. They are both biased. But person B is going to experience far less negative emotion than person A.


Changing Focus


So, if you wanted to challenge the belief that everything is going wrong, it is going to take a change of focus.

Not so much looking on the bright side, but purposefully seeking to alter the attentional biases at work.

Step 1: State only the fact, rather than generalising and magnifying.

Step 2: Acknowledge the positives, rather than discounting them.

Step 3: Ask yourself if there is a different way of seeing the same situation. How would you view it if you felt better? How would someone else view this situation?

Have a not so bad day!

Lemon Squeezy makes wellbeing easy!

Remember You Can Cope

I was recently invited to a hen do by a very good friend which was a small gathering for afternoon tea.

Now, afternoon tea is right up my street and I have been friends with the bride to be for many years, so I was surprised to find myself feeling nervous as I got ready to set off.

I could feel the churning sensation in my stomach and a rising sensation in my chest as I got into the car and waved to my partner and my kids.


But why?
The first explanation I had for the nervousness was that the hen do was somewhere I was unfamiliar with and I wasn’t too sure how to get there but I had my sat-nav on and this didn’t feel like a good explanation for why I was feeling this way.

Nonetheless, I took a few deliberate deep breaths into my diaphragm as I was driving.

As soon as I did this I realised that I was actually thinking about not knowing many people there and imagining myself making awkward small talk.

I don’t think of myself as someone who is anxious in social situations.

As a rule, I really enjoy being sociable and I am quite happy to talk to people I don’t know but we can all fall along many different spectrums of anxiety and on this occasion, I was feeling nervous.


Why it helps to remind yourself of coping
Generally speaking, we feel nervous or anxious when the perceived threat is bigger than our perceived coping.


Threat vs. Coping

I was focusing on the potential to:

  • say something stupid…
  • feel awkward myself…
  • or cause the other people to feel awkward.

This was the perceived threat.

What I did to help was to balance this out by remembering my ability to cope.

Once your perceived coping outweighs the threat, there is no longer a reason for your body to respond with anxiety.

If you are wondering, this is what I reminded myself of:

Years ago, I was invited to a hen do for a friend of my partner at the time.

I didn’t know her well and I had met a couple of other people who were going maybe a handful of times.

I was going out with them in a city I had never been out in before and not one, but two of my partner’s ex-girlfriends were also in attendance!
I had massively mis-judged what to wear, felt far too hot all night and feared that I looked like a beetroot on all of the pictures of the evening!

hen do photo

And clearly needed to drink a lot of water to cool down…!

I made some awkward conversation with one of the aforementioned ex-girlfriends.

But everything was fine!

Nothing terrible happened, I coped with the situation and had fun!


The result?
As soon as I remembered this, the nervous feeling in my stomach dissipated completely.

My perceived ability to cope outweighed the perceived threat and I enjoyed a picturesque drive, met some lovely people and had a lovely time!


How to do it
Next time you are focusing on thoughts of things going wrong, why not try it:

Step 1: Breathe
Step 2: Notice what the perceived threat is about
Step 3: Think of a time you coped with something similar or something even more challenging than this situation.
Step 4: Remember what happened? What skills did you use? What qualities did you have that helped you to cope?

Struggling to Think of Something?
Look for times you have used similar skills or qualities.

Have done something of faced a challenge that makes you think ‘if I can do that, I can do anything’?

Most of us have experienced challenges in daily life:

  • Delivered presentations at work
  • Given birth
  • Survived a really difficult job interview
  • Got through a challenging university course
  • Passed your driving test…

The key thing is to remember that you have coped before and that you can cope again.
If you remember your ability to cope, the task in hand will start to seem more easy!

Lemon Squeezy makes wellbeing easy!

Image Credit: Pixabay (apart from the one of me!)

I am launching guided relaxation sessions for workplaces in Bradford, Calderdale and Kirklees this month! If this sounds like something your workplace would love, you can contact me at info@lemonsqueezywellbeing.com to book your relaxation session!

Turn Your Phone Use from Distraction into Action


In the lost time before mobile phones…

Whenever I felt bored, stuck, apprehensive or meh, I somehow always found myself going into the kitchen and looking in the fridge.

As if my fridge would somehow contain the answer to my problem.

I didn’t want anything to eat and I wouldn’t always be fully aware I was even doing it until I was peering into the cold depths behind the old jam at the back (because that’s where all the wisdom lives).

What I was actually doing was just distracting myself and sure enough I would realise that the fridge did not hold the magical panacea I was looking for. So I’d go back to my school homework on Encarta or call my friend for a chat on the landline on the stairs or whatever we did before mobile phones!

Social media

Nowadays, I distract myself by looking at social media on my phone, like a normal person.

Unlike my fridge though, social media does sometimes have something interesting or helpful on there, which is very reinforcing for continuing with the same behaviour.

More often for me though, it was a way of zoning out without really engaging with anything in particular or becoming frustrated or troubled by some of the posts I was seeing.
At least I did do this a lot until I realised how unhelpful it can be, as I’m sure many of you also have.

Let me just say – I like my phone.

It is an incredibly useful little thing and I have not ditched my phone altogether and I am not going to preach abstinence or tell you that social media is bad.

Instead, I am just going to share a few tips that may help you to change the way you use your phone and to put it to better use, rather than using it to distract yourself from your emotions, your boredom or just meh.

Tip 1: Get a watch.

I am absolutely serious!

If you haven’t got one and you rely on your phone to tell you the time, get a watch that makes you feel happy when you look at it.

After a number of years thinking I didn’t really need a watch anymore because I could just look at my phone, I got a watch and my phone use immediately reduced.

Not only that, my social media use reduced.

The problem is that it can be so automatic once you have looked at your phone to tap in your pin and tap onto your social media app, in just the same way I just found myself peering into the fridge as a teenager.


Tip 2: Delay the urge.

This is a technique I use for many things with clients in my work as a psychotherapist.

What people usually do when faced with an urge, is either to give in to the urge or to try to resist the urge.

Of course, it makes complete sense to try to resist an urge if you are trying to stop doing something.

The problem with this is that it is very difficult to do – the more you try not to do it, the more you think about doing it.

Just imagine if I put your favourite cake in front of you (or something delicious to you if you don’t like cake – weirdo). Now imagine I tell you that you can’t have it because I’m ever so mean.

What are you going to be thinking about?


Chances are, it will be how much you want the cake and also how mean I am for telling you not to eat it.

Now imagine I am not so mean but I say, you can eat the cake in about 30 minutes after we have done a task.

This makes it easier to ride out the initial urge and reduces the likelihood that you are
going to think more and more about the cake.

When the 30 minutes is up, you can then make a more informed decision about whether you really want the cake or not.

Maybe it is a treat day and you do want to eat it or maybe you are on some kind of low carb thing and you choose not to eat it – either way you are making a rational choice using your pre-frontal cortex rather than acting on an urge.

We can apply the same thing when we feel the urge to look on social media.

If you truly want to, you can. But if you are using it in a less helpful way it gives your thinking brain time to make a decision rather than acting on auto-pilot and without the same amount of effort as simply resisting.


Tip 3: Use your phone for things you really value.

If you really value health and fitness, put your fitness app in prime position on your phone and actually get into a routine to use it!
If you value your wellbeing, get your meditation app and put it onto the first page of your screen!
If you love music, make that your go-to thing if you are feeling bored, lonely, fearful, down or meh.
If you love to learn, make podcasts or Ted Talks part of your routine…
Then put your phone away when you have finished.


Tip 4: Use it to get organised

I’m sure there are many and varied apps that help you to organise your schedule.

I started off just using reminders but I have since found Trello which you can use to make a board for each project you have on the go. I like this app because it helps me to compartmentalise things in a way my brain generally doesn’t.

It helps me see things easily at a glance and is one place I can get ideas down that I might otherwise scribble on some paper then lose, or add to my notes app then never look at again.

My partner uses a nifty shopping list app.

I’m sure there are countless apps out there to suit your personal preference and help you to get organised.

Mine is where all my ideas for this blog go!


Tip 5: Keep a positive diary

Having a positive diary, a gratitude log or any variation of this, can be a really enjoyable thing to do and can give you an alternative thing to look at if you are feeling anxious, fed up or bored.

Social media may sometimes offer you something that you value but at other times it may add to your anxiety or fed up-ness with stories of kids choking on grapes, or people being attacked or general tales of woe.

It may also just increase your feeling of boredom if nothing particularly interesting is on there.

A positive diary, on the other hand, can help you to remember some of those little kindnesses of others, achievements or fun times.

It is personal to you and it might actually hold more answers than social media… or my old fridge!

Lemon Suqeezy makes wellbeing easy!